... or ‘You’re (wood)Fired!’
358 Clevland St, Surry Hills NSW 2010
ph: (02) 8399 1440
On my recent literary tour to Sydney, I was
thrilled to be hosted by Johnny Taranto; television producer at SBS. In addition to taking me backstage and
introducing me to his colleagues, he was also kind enough to be my local guide
while in SinCity. And JT was quite
keen to go to a “pit roasted meats” restaurant in Surrey Hills called Porteño.
“It’s the hottest place in town. Everyone’s talking about it, and
apparently the food is fantastic.
It’s slow cooked meat done over coals …”
So we went. And we got to do some celebrity spotting while we were there...
But first, a cab ride with a big fat
Czech driver talking about beer:
“You hear Budweiser is suing Budvar to stop
them using name? Ha! Budvar around much longer. I tell you story. Back in war, this the first world war I
talk, the American soldiers are stationed in Czech. They have not much to do since war over, but they like a
beer, why not? And there are two
names for everything, one the German, the other Czech, so that Budvar and
Budweiser is really the same thing, just the different languages. But the Americans, they think: “This
pretty good beer, ja? Why not we
take home and then we can drink there?”
But the commander find out, and he make the limit of them only taking
back two cases of the beer each.
But then one of the soldiers, he smarter than the others, and he say
“Well, soldiers only take back two cases, but what about the horses? How many they take back?” And so they fill the horses up with the
beer, take them back to America and then they get the beer back out of horses. And this is the Budweiser. And if you don’t believe me, you drink
and tell me it not out of the horse.”
And now you know how they make Budweiser too… Thanks for the history lesson, Mr Cab Driver!
We landed at Porteño and could smell the
meat from the street. It’s in a
Spanish style looking building on a corner, double storied, and when we went in
the décor is kind of el rustico: think those curved arches with upside down
horse shoes nailed to the arches for luck, a la mode of the Good, the Bad and
the Ugly.
We were told by a bearded maitre d’ that
there would be a two and a half hour wait for the restaurant:
‘Bum, I’m in town for only a couple of
nights and really wanted to come here.’
‘Well, you could go up the road, but it’s
Friday night and you’ll have to wait there too. Tell you what, if it was me, you’ve arrived, so just kick
back and enjoy yourselves, and the wait will be over in no time.’
We were directed to the bar upstairs
(pressed metal rooves, another mini-restaurant really) and settled in for the
wait. JT was looking well
pleased. I inquired why?
‘Mark Bouris is here. He was the next person in line ahead of
us.’
‘Who?’
‘Mark Bouris. He’s like the sixth richest man in Sydney, and the host of Australia’s
the Apprentice.’
‘What, you mean like as in “You’re fired”?’
‘Exactly. You know when you’re going out to a restaurant with one of
richest men in Sydney…’
‘That you’re going to be paying a lot for
your meal?’
They had a cabinet of chacuterie upstairs, but
before we could order any, our table downstairs in the restaurant proper became
available. The wait wasn’t a third
as long as threatened, and we had a great dinner with pork, lamb, beef ribs,
red wine (Malbec – their speciality), brussel sprouts charred and caramelised,
and corn smothered in cheese.
It’s Argentinian food, and one of our
multitudinous waiters was another Colombian, so you’d think the place was owned
or run by South Americans. But not
a word of it. As the site informs
us:
“The menu at Porteño comes to you straight
from the kitchens of Argentina via the imaginations and culinary artistry of
chefs and owners, Ben Milgate and Elvis Abrahanowicz.”
The franchise is yet another one of these
businesses started by bearded hipsters covered in tattoos. To this hipster’s credit, he was
standing over the coals and cooking the meat himself, so it’s not like he’s
afraid of getting his hands dirty (though I hope he washes them for food
handling).
Basically, it was a bit like Le Bon Ton with
a South American theme… and much better done. I give it seven tentacles out of eight!!
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